Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Let's paint friendship bongs
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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