I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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