My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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