So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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