Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
