Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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