i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
