I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
my shit smells like andre
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
