I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
