And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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