I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
