I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
