dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
