I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
