How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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