Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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