Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize