All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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