I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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