don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
