DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize