I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
