I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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