Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
