hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
