the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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