Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
