Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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