alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
