Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
