it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
