Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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