Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
