I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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