I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
