There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
