There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize