I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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