omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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