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I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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