i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
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