Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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