I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
sarcasm needs its own font
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
