I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
