I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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