I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
