you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
