life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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