The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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