they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
