I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize