Can i not drive my cunt home
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
