well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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