The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
