I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
