I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize